The Thursday Fivespot
So after a mere three years of dating Rachel and I finally had the Celebrities That You’re Allowed To Sleep With List conversation last Friday when we were out to dinner.
Figuring this would be the best opportunity to post this without her punching me, I had to carpe diem all over this shit.
Bear in mind this is no way any type of suggestion of whom you should try and pick for your own list (I call dibs). Think of it more as a guideline. Or a window into my thought process if you will.
Five Celebrities I’m Allowed To Get To Second Base With:
5. The Musician
It is a known fact that any girl who can stand on stage and even adequately play an instrument always appears to be ten times hotter than they actually are in real life (Scientists refer to this phenomenon as The Jenny Lewis Syndrome). However, if a girl is ridiculously hot sans instrument then the addition of actual musical talent just blows the roof off. Most folks would probably lean their musician selection toward the solo singer type (your Katy Perry’s and your Rihanna’s, etc) but that’s just not my style. I totally dig on Allison Robertson from The Donnas. Her band is actually respectable (they used to be on Lookout! for goodness sake) and she can play guitar better than at least 90% of the dudes I know. Not to mention she is ridiculously cute and funny (as can be witnessed on most of VH1’s I Love The 70’s/80’s/90’s programs). If you would like to see a picture of what her actual face looks like, well you can find that here. If you would like to see her all-girl cover group absolutely slay Barracuda by Heart, well then you can find that here.
4. The Older Woman
Logic would dictate that if a woman still looks this good at 38 then there is probably very little chance she’s going to majorly fall off at 48, 58, etc. Carla Gugino has been on my radar ever since her old days on Spin City (and I’m not too ashamed to admit it, Son in Law as well). As the years have gone on she has continued to get better and better looking. And, and this probably isn’t much of a coincidence, the quality of her work has only gotten better as well. She is awesome in movies like The Lookout and Sin City but what really clinched it for me was her way too brief stint on Entourage as Ari’s replacement, Amanda Daniels. The only older woman experience I’ve had so far was dating a 21 year-old when I was 18, so I view her inclusion on the list as pretty much a total necessity.
3. The Mainstay
Chances are if you’ve had a major thing for a female celebrity since you first hit puberty, you can’t really go wrong by adding her. Kelly Kapowski came along at just the right time in your writer’s young life. In a way, I feel like we kind of grew up together. From her early days on SBTB to her early twenties on 90210 I’ve pretty much payed at least passing attention to all of the network shows that she’s starred in (and unfortunately, quite a few of her movies as well). She never really became a gigantic movie star or anything, but in a way I sort of think that makes her even hotter. Plus the fact she has transitioned from child star to normal adult without leaving any type of scandal and/or rehab in her wake only helps to strengthen that point.
2. The Longshot
There has to be at least one on every list. The one who would absolutely melt your face off if you were within too close of a proximity. This one is kind of my wild card right now. A few years ago it definitely would have been Jessica Biel (before she got Timberlaked). Or maybe even Scarlett Johansson (before she actually thought it was a good idea to try and record an album or start wearing mom jeans). The decision ultimately came down to a choice between Ms. Cuthbert here and Missy Peregrym. When coming up with the tiebreaker I first looked at age (they’re both 27). Next was country of origin (they’re both Canadian). Body of work (Cuthbert wins out on the movie side, Peregrym fares far better on TV). Eventually I turned to the simplest of equations, who’s current sports star boyfriend creeped me out less? So Cuthbert and Dion Phaneuf barely edge out Peregrym and Ben Roethlisberger, thanks primarily to Big Ben’s scary surgically-reconstructed cyborg face.
1. The One You Might End Up In The Same Room With
My girlfriend basically grew up in the exact same town as Kristen Bell, 15 minutes or so north of Detroit. Rachel’s sister Anna is the exact same age as Kristen and they were actually sort of friends (and got mistaken for each other) when they were both in high school. I’ve been in bars with some of her best friends while we we were back visiting on numerous occasions and Rachel actually hung out with her over Christmas break a few years back. So that makes this one a total no-brainer. Aside from the geographical relevance she was also on one of my favorite TV shows of all-time, Veronica Mars. Did voiceover work in the super awesome Assassin’s Creed. And, if it wasn’t for Jason Segel, she would have easily been the best part of Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She is hilarious with personality to spare and (as I had mentioned a few days ago) if she is willing to go out with a total a-hole like Dax Shepard, well then maybe that leaves at least a small glimmer of hope out there for the rest of us?
At the end of the day I’m not nearly a big enough retard to think that in any possible universe would I ever actually talk to any of these women, let alone be in a situation where I could end up witnessing them in their delicates and whatnot.
The whole list thing is meant to be all in good fun and really that’s all it is. Just another topic to converse and think about.
Special side note: while Rachel and I were talking about whether or not either one of us would ever actually be able to pull the trigger should the miraculous occur (nope), we came up with an interesting little addendum we think should accompany every list. And that is a sixth celebrity. Only this one isn’t allowed to be your choice, rather it’s your significant other’s for allowing you the so-called free pass in the first place. And the catch is if you were to ever end up anywhere near this person, you would have to try and sleep with them. No matter what. The object then would be to pick the grossest possible person you could think of as a mock punishment of sorts (ie a Danny DeVito or a Courtney Love).
